VIRTUAL SEASON 7.5

THE BLOOPER REEL

By: The VVS7.5 Writing Staff

Compiled By: monkee

~*~

Disclaimer:

A word about our "characters"...

Anyone who has ever been to a Star Trek convention has probably had the pleasure of watching a compilation of outtakes, the blown lines, messed up effects--and sometimes deliberately- staged pranks--which are caught on film during the shooting of a movie or television show. The "blooper reel" is always great fun.

When we at Season 7.5 thought about doing our own blooper reel, the idea quickly became irresistible. In the course of writing it, however, we found ourselves writing about the cast and crew of Voyager, not just the characters, as we usually do. So, just as we always run a disclaimer about our fanfic stories being "all in fun" and not meant to infringe upon the rights of Paramount or Viacom, we must now write a disclaimer that is also part apology to Kate Mulgrew, Robert Beltran, Robbie McNeilll, Roxann Dawson, Bob Picardo, Ethan Phillips, Tim Russ, Garrett Wang, Josh Clark, Nancy Hower, Scarlett Pomer, Manu Intiraymi, and any other Voyager actor for our "borrowing" of their names and personas to use in the blooper reel. No harm was intended, and in the unlikely event that any of them ever read this, hopefully, no offense will be taken (especially since all of them seem to have great senses of humor, as they have shown in their convention appearances).

Let us simply fantasize, for a bit, that if Voyager's story line had gone the way we imagined it here (if only!) these little mishaps may have occurred during filming...

At first, there is only darkness. Then an ornate chair appears, seemingly floating in mid-air. Upon the chair, in regal splendor, sits a man in scarlet red robes. His features are angular and aristocratic, and he looks down from his perch with a most arrogant expression.

"Humans," he sneers. "They're so insignificant, so pathetic, so very...fallible. At any given microsecond, one of them, somewhere in the galaxy, is screwing up royally. Even the Continuum has a difficult time keeping track of all the egregious miscues they create with their unpredictable behavior, and it often falls upon us to repair them! Oh, I could tell you some stories...the mistakes they've made -- well, perhaps it would be easier to show you."

He lifts his hand, and snaps his fingers sharply.

Nothing happens.

He scowls at the offending digits, and snaps them again.

Again, nothing.

Somewhere in the darkness, far below, someone clears her throat.

"Um...excuse me, Mr. de Lancie?" the voice says. "You aren't really omnipotent. You aren't really Q. You know that, right?" The voice issues some whispered instructions and the house lights come up. The Virtual Voyager Season 7.5 staff is sitting in the front row of a large studio auditorium. The auditorium is filled to capacity with Voyager fans, and, of course, the cast and crew.

John de Lancie glares at the VVS7.5 staff. "You've broken the fourth wall!" he says, accusingly.

'Of COURSE we have," the owner of the voice, Christina, replies. "It's the blooper reel! That's the way it's done. You're the host."

"But I received a script for an episode, and an advance, and..." de Lancie protests.

"SHHHHHH!" The VVS7.5 staff says, in unison.

"That's...later," Christina explains. "This week -- it's the blooper reel. Your agent said you'd improvise."

"Right," de Lancie says. "I remember now. Okay, where's the list? Oh, never mind. I see it on the cue cards over there. All right. Let's take it from the top."

Christina orders the lights down, and looks over at the director, Roxann Dawson. "We're still rolling," she says, with a smirk.

John de Lancie rolls his eyes. "Very funny," he says. "A blooper from the blooper host." He sighs dramatically, then looks over the list. He pauses to regroup, takes a deep breath, and begins.

"As I was saying," he says, in character, addressing the camera, "humans are nothing if not fallible. They get their scripts ahead of time, but does it make any difference? Of course not. Take a look at this..."

[Passages -- Cybermum}

"This is Captain Kathryn..."

The view screen flickered and came to life. An alien female appeared before them. She was humanoid. Her intense amber eyes were set into an elongated head. Her aquiline nose was ribbed and pierced with small metallic studs. She was draped and hooded in a toga-like garment that was fastened strategically with pins that looked as if they could double as weapons. She looked distinctly annoyed.

"I acknowledge your signal, Captain. How did you discover us? And what do you seek from us?"

"Your planet appeared rather abruptly on our sensors. We had been informed that this corridor was uninhabited. We apologize for our error."

"As yet you have done no harm. How did you find us? What do you want here?"

"We truly did not know you were here and we apologize for the intrusion. We want nothing from you except safe passage through your space. We are on a long journey to our home."

Chakotay rose and made his way to the captain's side. "We have been running some routine diagnostics on our systems. Perhaps..." he began quietly.

Janeway nodded and continued. "Perhaps some of the tests we've been conducting had some impact upon your atmosphere."

"Yes. Your technology is foreign to us. I would like to know more about it."

The captain returned to her command chair and sat down. She flipped open her computer console and studied the data that was streaming into it. "And I would like to know more about your home. According to our readings, your planet is barely able to support life. Yet you seem to be a fairly populated world."

The woman hesitated for a moment, and Janeway had a fleeting notion that her response was somehow premeditated. "We here on Norzo have adapted to our environment over the millennia. We do not have many visitors."

"Cut. It's Zorno, Aynsley." The voice from behind the camera, eerily disembodied, corrected Aynsley Markham, the actress who was playing the alien.

"What?"

"The planet you're from. It's the planet Zorno. You're a Zornon."

"Oops! Sorry. Can we take it from the top of the page?"

"Sure. Marks everyone. And... action."

"Yes. Your technology is foreign to us. I would like to know more about it."

The captain returned to her command chair and sat down. She flipped open her computer console and studied the data that was streaming into it. "And I would like to know more about your home. According to our readings, your planet is barely able to support life. Yet you seem to be a fairly populated world."

The woman hesitated for a moment, and Janeway had a fleeting notion that her response was somehow premeditated. "We here on Orzon have adapted to our environment over the millennia. We do not have many visitors."

"Cut."

"Nuts, I did it again, didn't I?"

"Yup."

"Zorno, Zorno, Zorno... I promise I'll get it this time."

"Okay, let's go. Kate, put down the coffee. From the top of the page again. Marks everyone. And... Action."

"Yes. Your technology is foreign to us. I would like to know more about it."

The captain returned to her command chair and sat down. She flipped open her computer console and studied the data that was streaming into it. "And I would like to know more about your home. According to our readings, your planet is barely able to support life. Yet you seem to be a fairly populated world."

The woman hesitated for a moment, and Janeway had a fleeting notion that her response was somehow premeditated. "We here on Zorpon...."

"Cuuuttt."

"Oh... sh...oot. Say...can't I just be from Mars?!"

"See what I mean?" de Lancie says. "Mars, Zorno, it's all the same to them. They're just actors, after all."

"Technically, John," someone calls out from the audience, "You're just an actor, too."

"Be quiet, Kate," he says. She smirks at him. He sticks his tongue out at her.

"Cut it out, you two," Roxann Dawson, the director, says. "We're going to be here all night. Let's move on."

"Fine," de Lancie says, once again slipping into his arrogant Q mask.

"What's even worse," he says, "is when they compound their errors with silliness. For some reason, the male cast members seem to be the biggest offenders here. Watch Robbie McNeill, in this scene..."

[Ripples in Time -- Rocky]

Tom looked up and saw the Caephidians staring at him, probably that he'd had the effrontery to talk in front of the Matriarch. He began to sweat.

"Babysitting?" the Master Engineer said, turning to B'Elanna.

"Child care," B'Elanna said. "Since I will be at the feast, my mate will stay with our daughter." Something compelled her to add, "He often helps take care of her--in fact, he's really wonderful with her."

The Caephidians all tittered, but the Matriarch addressed Captain Janeway again. "Ah, just as you explained to me how your first mate stayed behind to care for your daughter Molly when your current mission began, as she was with child."

"The Captain's daughter?" Tom blurted out. "Molly was the dog's name--!"

"Cut!" yelled the director. "Robbie, it's 'almost' blurted out! You
don't actually say it out loud."

"Sorry," Robbie McNeilll said with a sheepish smile. "But every time I think about the *dog*--"

"OK," the director said hastily. "Let's try it again. Places, everybody! Let's take it from, 'but the Matriarch addressed Captain Janeway again.' And, three, two, action!"

The Caephidians all tittered, but the Matriarch addressed Captain Janeway again. "Ah, just as you explained to me how your first mate stayed behind to care for your daughter Molly when your current mission began, as she was with child."

"Good thing they don't know about the lizard babies," Robbie said under his breath. "A fine mother you were, abandoning your spawn."

Kate Mulgrew shot him a look. "Doesn't say much about your parenting skills either, buddy!"

"Cut!"

"Hey!" McNeill says, defensively. "Kate was cutting up, too!"

"Yeah, but YOU were the one who brought up the lizard babies again!" Kate says.

"Well, I figured someone should," he said. "I mean, we just LEFT them there, in that swamp..."

"Which is a nice segueway into our next examples," de Lancie says, smoothly, demonstrating his improvisational skills. "Sometimes, to make matters worse, the actors use these moments of levity to complain about the direction the show is taking their characters, or to right what they consider to be canon wrongs."

[Wrongs Not Forgotten -- Penny Proctor]

"Places," the A.D. called, adding under her breath,"If we can do this in one take, we can still have dinner before midnight."

Robert Beltran, dressed in the black commando costume, took his position outside the door. Amanda Cole, the actress playing Rekela, stood on her mark and picked up the plastic cylinder posing as a neuro-whip. Kate Mulgrew, wearing her uniform trousers and a tank top, folded her arms across her chest. "No," she said firmly. "It's not right."

With a sigh, the Director rose from his chair and walked on to the set. "We've been through this before. We're a family show," he said.

"Piffle." She was not impressed by his argument. "It's not like this is the first time I've been seemingly undressed on this show. Remember that massage scene? And that one with George Costanza's mother as a god?" She looked at him pointedly. "We got a lot of good mail on those scenes."

"Sorry, Kate. It's a policy change from Viacom. No more nudity."

"Since when? Jeri was in the buff just last season."

He looked around for Berman or Braga to help him out, but neither was around any more. They were out, a new team was in charge, and the new executive producer
was looking at him from the sideline with an expression that suggested he was on his own. "There, um, were, ah, some exceptions."

She took a deep breath. "I assume artistic integrity is one of them. This is important for the scene." With a dismissive wave of her hand, she added, "Whoever heard of whipping a prisoner though her underwear?"

Robert Beltran added helpfully, "And don't forget - Patrick Stewart was naked when he was a Cardassian prisoner, and he got an Emmy nomination."

Kate rolled her eyes before glaring at him. "That was syndication, not UPN. But that's irrelevant. This is science fiction. People won't buy it if it isn't credible, and it won't be credible if Janeway is wearing a neatly pressed tank top and creased
trousers. I thought we were going for more realism this season. That was the whole reason this scene was kept in, after all? We don't want Buffy to have a monopoly on pain."

The Director stared at her for several seconds. "You're right. You're right. I may never direct again for UPN, but by George, this one is going to be honest. Lose the trousers and the top." He raised an eyebrow. "I assume you prepared for that decision?"

She smiled sweetly. "Absolutely." With an economy of motion, she peeled off the tank top and slipped out of the uniform trousers, revealing Starfleet-gray briefs and modest cups discreetly attached directly to her skin. "I've got bikinis more revealing than this."

"I like it," Beltran said, both dimples showing as he smiled.

"Let's hope Viacom does, too," the Director said. "Now, will everyone please get to places?"

'Q' waggles his eyebrows appreciatively. "Ah, yes," he sighs. "I always said she was angry and full of artistic integrity when she was beautiful."

In the audience, Kate Mulgrew rolls her eyes as everyone chuckles.

"I'm not sure I understand this next one," Q says. "I think it must have something to do with an alternate universe, or an alternate canon. Watch, and you'll see what I mean."

[Ragnarok -- Rocky]

Janeway settled back into her desk chair with a sigh. Without asking, Chakotay went to the replicator and brought her a cup of coffee.

She closed her eyes as she savored the brew. "Thanks. Is it that obvious?"

"How exhausted you are? Yes." He sat down in the chair opposite her and took a drink of his own tea.

"All part of the territory." She checked the chronometer. "Tuvok will be here in a few moments, so we can go over our weapons manifest. The Zornon technology has been a real Godsend, and has been working out very well, but it's only a matter of time until the Borg adapt. We need to think ahead to the next step."

"Agreed. But at least when fighting any 'disconnected' drones, we won't have to worry about the Collective as a whole making adaptations to our modified systems."

"Chalk up one for dealing with the pirates, then," she said and put her cup down. She turned to her computer terminal and tapped in a series of commands.

"Before you begin with that, Captain..." he hesitated, not quite sure how to broach the subject.

"Yes, Was there something you wanted to discuss, before Tuvok arrives?"

He decided to start with the lesser of the two evils he needed to say. "Seven of Nine."

"What about her?" asked Janeway wearily.

"I just thought I should tell you that she and I have fallen in love and we've been carrying on a torrid affair right under your nose."

Janeway's eyes flew open. "WHAT?"

Robert Beltran grinned. "Just seeing if you're still awake."

"Very funny." Kate Mulgrew glared at him.

The director sighed. It was going to be another late night.

"See what I mean?" Q says.

"Chakotay and Seven," Mulgrew snorts. "Like THAT would ever happen."

"Ew," is all Jeri Ryan has to say, which earns her a good-natured dirty look from Beltran.

The VVS7.5 team exchanges a few self-satisfied glances and surreptitious high fives, and the show goes on.

"Mr. Beltran, in fact," Q continues, "seems to have a strange preoccupation with his character's love life, as seen here..."

[Colonization 101 -- Julie]

"Though I admit on occasion I have thought about what all our lives would be like if we'd colonized," Chakotay said. "That's only natural."

"Of course," Kathryn murmured, though Chakotay doubted she'd ever entertained such thoughts. "So, hypothetically speaking, what would our lives be like?"

"Well...since we wouldn't be Starfleet officers anymore, but colonists, the barriers of rank would be gone. That would have likely redefined some relationships." Chakotay didn't flinch at Kathryn's sharp gaze. He meant exactly what she was thinking. "There would be plenty of challenges, as we've seen in this program--sustainable food production, weather protection, extracting energy resources--but we'd handle them as a community."

"We already *are* a community, Chakotay," Kathryn said pointedly.

He nodded. "Yes, we are. But if we had colonized, our priorities would be different. We'd be focused on building a permanent home, on settling into that new home, and then on...pairing off and procreating."

That last comment elicited a small, wry laugh from Kathryn. "That concept's not exactly unheard of on Voyager."

"Not for some," Chakotay agreed.

Kathryn gave him another piercing look, though he saw the amusement lurking in her eyes. "You're taking a lot for granted, Commander."

"Am I?" Chakotay asked blandly. Her eyebrows rose but she didn't answer. He jumped up from the porch. "Am I?!" he shouted. "After this merry chase I've been led on for the past seven years?"

Kate Mulgrew stared as Beltran stomped across the dirt, before he whirled around on the director. The director sighed, and yelled "Cut!"

"The last time we were in this position Chakotay built Janeway a bathtub, and what did he get for it? Nothing! That damned monkey got more affection than he did!"

"Fortunately there are no monkeys on this planet, Robert," Kate said, smirking. The director gave her a dirty look.

"He courted her, and bared his soul to her! He even told her his scorpion story. Then there were those two searing kisses--"

"The first one was left on the cutting room floor, remember?" the director said snarkily.

"And what about the watch he gave her that she just melted down like it meant nothing--"

"That was in an alternate universe," Kate reminded him.

Beltran paused, then glared at the director again. "The point is, if Chakotay is going to start pining after Janeway again, and chase after her like some love-sick puppy, then all I can say is there's no way I'm going to let him to be a chump twice! The writers better DAMN well follow through this time!!"

Beltran appeared to have run out of steam, and Kate asked sweetly, "Feeling better?"

Beltran grinned disarmingly. "Guess I just needed to get that out. I feel much better."

"I'm so happy," the director said, the sarcasm practically dripping. "I'm sure the writers are shaking in their thigh boots and at this very moment penning the scene where Captain Janeway professes her undying love for Chakotay. But to get to that touching exchange,
we have to finish this scene first! So if you don't mind, places everyone!"

Kate patted Beltran's leg as he resettled himself on the porch. "I know we've been left hanging before. It's frustrating. But these new writers do seem to understand the concept of character development. I really think it's going to happen this time."

Beltran snorted. "I'll believe it when I see it."

"Take two!"

"And see?" Mulgrew crows triumphantly to Beltran. "It DID happen!"

"Yes, it did," Beltran concedes. "It's this new team of writers. It's wonderful to work with people who truly love and understand the characters -- ALL of the characters." He peers around Mulgrew to grin at the VVS7.5 staff. "Thank you," he tells them, with a killer dimpled grin.

Of course, the VVS7.5 staff is far too cool to fawn over Robert Beltran, but the collective heart rate of the group rises substantially as they smile and nod in acknowledgment.

"Excuse me," Roxann says, caustically. "I hate to interrupt this mutual admiration society, but can we PLEASE get on with it, and keep the interruptions from the peanut gallery to a minimum?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Mulgrew says. "Right, everyone?" She looks around at the rest of the audience with the death glare that Janeway made famous. Everyone gulps, and turns their attention back to de Lancie, who is drumming his fingers on the arm of his floating chair.

"Oh, are we getting back to work now?" he asks. "Fine with me. I've got all day." He clears his throat.

"Another thing about these human actors," he continues, as Q, "is that they like to mess with each other's minds. Watch this..."

[Colonization 101 -- Julie]

Seven knew the reason for Naomi's evasiveness and her flushed skin. She had recognized the strong attraction between Icheb and Naomi, despite their youthfulness. It wasn't an area where she could give much advice. She had missed that stage of her individual development, and she still didn't completely understand her feelings for Axum, which had resurfaced in a strong manner when she'd contacted him again recently. She did know that she was experiencing a persistent desire to explore those feelings in more detail--

"Seven, to your left!"

The doctor's shout alerted Seven, and she shoved Naomi behind her as a large feline animal appeared from behind the small outcropping of rocks two meters in front of them.
It was the size of a Bengal tiger though its dun fur was matted and scruffy. Its green eyes met Seven's and held.

"Move back and let me handle this, Seven. I'm a hologram, so I can't be injured."

Seven refrained from noting that this was a holoprogram, so none of them could be seriously injured. She held out a hand. "I can handle the situation, Doctor," she said, as
she placed her other hand on her phaser.

The cat crouched as if to pounce, and Naomi drew an audible breath behind Seven. Seven considered her options in a split second, and chose the one she deemed appropriate. She
raised her arms and--

Jeri Ryan's ears were assaulted by several very high-pitched screams. Startled, she jumped several inches. The ground in this green part of the San Gabriel valley was uneven and she stumbled inelegantly. She was so used to working in those ridiculous four-inch spike-heeled shoes her character had worn until recently that the more sensible boots she was wearing now actually threw off her equilibrium. She cursed at the same time as laughter rang out around her and someone (the director no doubt) yelled, "Cut."

"Jeri, you looked so funny!" Scarlett Pomers shrieked as Jeri glared at her co-stars.

She couldn't be mad at Scarlett--the young girl was really a sweetheart--but Jeri gave Bob her coldest Seven glare. "You set this up!"

"We were just showing you how loud we can scream," Scarlett said.

Bob was grinning Manu Intiraymi finally contained his laughter. "Actually, it was Manu's idea," Picardo said. "And your expression was priceless."

"Hmmph," Jeri muttered. All because the director had told her not to scream like a girl this take. She looked at Manu and shook her head regretfully. "They've turned you into one of them."

"Them?" Manu asked innocently.

"The boys!" Scarlett crowed, repeating Kate Mulgrew's oft-cited collective term for the male costars on Voyager. "She said boys will be boys and men will be boys--"

"Are we ready for another take?" the director interrupted acidly. "And this time, one scream will be sufficient. Places!"

Jeri took her place next to Scarlett, who was still giggling, though she desisted the moment the director raised his hand. Jeri turned her head and stuck out her tongue at Bob and Manu and mouthed "I'll get you" just before the director yelled "Take three!"

They started the scene again and Jeri concentrated on her lines, though she couldn't help the bittersweet thought that crossed her mind...This is what I'm going to miss most of all.

Q scowls at the audience, as if daring anyone to interrupt again. Still reeling from Mulgrew's practiced death glare, the group remains silent.

"And sometimes, I'm afraid," Q continues, "the actors do get a few delusions, as we see here."

[Hero for the Times -- Julie]

The captain approached the command chair. "ECH, once again you've saved the day."

The ECH vacated the command chair gracefully. "Thank you, Captain." He held out his hand, but Captain Fayray grabbed him in a motherly hug.

"That was a great maneuver, sir," London said with admiration.

"You have the heart of a true warrior," T'Ubark rumbled.

"Indeed," the captain agreed fervently. "Who knew having a holographic officer onboard would be so critical to our survival, and the survival of the Great Galactic Confederation? You're a hero like no kind ever before. What would we do without you?"

"Perish?" the ECH suggested as Fayray finally released him and took her command chair.

"Captain?"

Fayray turned to her Bolian first officer, Shocklattee, who was looking at her with an expectant expression.

"Oh, yes." The captain turned her gaze to the viewscreen. Then she closed her eyes and furrowed her brow in concentration. "I sense...no more anger, hatred, or intent to destroy. I sense only...nothingness."

"No kidding," London muttered. "They're dead."

Captain Fayray patted Shocklattee's shoulder. "Thank you as always for your silent support, Number One."

"I protested this mission," Shocklattee reminded her.

"Right. Well, it doesn't matter since we have the ECH." She flashed the ECH a blinding smile. The turbolift opened again, and a small figure burst out. "Ah, Lieutenant Mors," the captain said. "How are the engines?"

"Lieutenant Mors-Whim," the chief engineer reminded her. "And you should know how the engines are doing, Captain."

"Of course." The captain closed her eyes again. "They are...purring with contentment."

"Thanks to the EEH." Mors-Whim Alana walked toward the Ops station. "He stopped that warp core breach two days ago, and his reconfiguration of the warp matrix is the reason they survived this latest encounter with the Dork with no serious damage."

"Hey, Alana," Derry Whim said, tweaking her earring as she stopped next to him. They kissed quickly.

Don London leapt up from his seat at the helm. He picked up a phaser and aimed it at Derry. "Get your hands off her, you...you...wife-stealer!"

"What--Robbie, you're London, not Paris. We're not married here, you doofus!"

Robbie slapped his hand to his chest, and his eyes widened as he smirked at Roxann.

"That's right!" Garrett said, jumping up on his console. It teetered under his weight. "Alana is my wife. Harry Kim may be a chump, but Derry Whim is the crown prince of looove!"

Robbie burst out laughing.

"Cut!" the director yelled, while sensing an impending loss of control.

Kate sighed. "Get down, Garrett, before you hurt yourself."

Tim jogged around the tactical console, pulling the ceremonial bat'leth from his belt. "I am a KLINGON!" he roared. "You are both unworthy of this woman. I shall win her, and pleasure her with my Klingon passion." He swung the plastic bat'leth at Garrett, somewhat below the belt.

Roxann rolled her eyes. "Here we go."

"Hey, could you aim that thing a little higher!" Garrett shouted, pulling his legs tightly together.

Robbie snickered. "Guess you won't have much use for a wife after all."

"We'll see who's worthy of her!" Garrett declared, picking up a datapadd prop from the console and waving it. "I'll take you both out at once!"

Tim and Robbie looked at each other, and started laughing again.

"Well, I don't want any of you," Roxann said, moving to the command chairs.

Garrett paused and stared at Roxann. "Don't tell me you want the blue guy?"

Beltran grinned and wiggled his eyebrows, and Roxann shook her head. She put an arm around Kate instead. "I want the captain."

The boys were stunned into a brief silence. Then Garrett asked, "Can we watch?"

A moment later he'd been knocked off the Ops console.

The audience is laughing, which is always a good thing when you're showing a blooper reel. This time, however, even the death glare can't stop the hilarity from the peanut gallery.

"The crown prince of LOOOVE?" McNeill gasps, when he can speak at all. "Puh-lease! Garrett, it's just not gonna happen!"

"Apparently not," Garrett says, shooting a pointed look at the front row. "Even these new writers seem determined that poor Harry will never be lucky in love."

The VVS7.5 staff shifts uncomfortably in their seats. "Well, at least you got a promotion," one of them points out.

"Humph," he grumbles.

"That's true, Garrett," Robert Beltran says, slapping him on the back. "And let's face it, we can't ALL be sex objects."

"AHEM!" John de Lancie clears his throat loudly. The crowd settles, guiltily.

He checks the list, opens his mouth, then closes it again. He tilts his head, considering. "Yet once again," he says, finally, "you've provided me with the perfect introduction to the next blooper. Speaking of sex objects..."

[Ripples in Time -- Rocky]

"I suppose you're right," Janeway said. She leaned over Chakotay's shoulder. "What's that you're reading?"

"The latest fuel consumption reports."

"Sounds like fun."

"Maybe it's not the most fascinating subject, but it is important." Chakotay flashed her a smile. "Someone's got to work around here, you know."

"What, you don't think attending the Matriarch's feast is work?" she said in mock outrage.

"It is." His voice had lost its former lightness.

"Then?" She gave him a searching glance as she seated herself beside him. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were upset you couldn't attend."

"I'm not upset," he said, turning slightly away from her.

"Annoyed, then."

"I'm not annoyed." He sighed. "Look, I know we have to respect the cultural and societal mores of the different species that we encounter, and it's clear that the Caephidians have a strong matriarchal society. The males aren't valued too highly, apparently, other than as breeders."

"Why, Chakotay," said Kate Mulgrew fluttering her eyelashes. "You know that you're a lot more to me than just a sex object."

"Cut!"

The audience chortles, but de Lancie doesn't give them a chance to start up again.

"Of course," he says, "there's always one in every bunch. Always someone who just has to be in the thick of the trouble, a cast clown, if you will. On the Voyager set, there's no question as to who THAT is. Mr. Tim Russ!"

Russ stands up and takes a bow, as the cast and crew points at him, laughing. And the next blooper appears on the screen.

[Olympian Efforts -- Cybermum]

Janeway was still at her desk, her long forgotten cup of coffee pushed to one side. She was totally focused on the scene that was playing out on her view screen. Since she had begun to receive the feed two and a half hours previously, she had not left her ready room and had been observing the drama that was taking place on the planet unfold with a mixture of fear and fascination. She had watched as her away team had encountered each obstacle in its path and managed to surmount it. But this current scenario was, as far as she was concerned, the worst yet.

Chakotay, Ayala and Wildman were huddled together under an outcrop of rocks, barely protected from the elements, and were being watched by what appeared to be a very large feline. Janeway wasn't sure whether they were aware of the big cat's presence, but the animal's intense observation screamed danger to her.

The sound of her ready room door chime only distracted her long enough to respond "Come in." And when Tuvok entered, she looked up for less than a second before returning her attention to her monitor.

The Vulcan didn't say a word, but stood in front of her desk and waited.

"I don't think they see it, do you, Tuvok? Do you think they know it's there?" Janeway said finally. She didn't look up, but did turn the monitor slightly so that he could see what she was watching.

Tuvok bent over slightly to study the situation.

"I am not certain." His response was measured. "But I would not be at all surprised if the away team are aware the animal is there. "

"I'm considering ending it, Tuvok. Beaming them out and finding some other way around the nebula."

"I don't blame you, Captain." Tuvok's normally modulated tones suddenly seemed slightly strained.

"Isn't it obvious, Tuvok?" She responded vehemently. She finally turned to face him, "The away team is in danger. Are those three lives worth the time we might save?"

Tuvok leaned forward, studying the viewscreen intently.

"Umm.... do you really think they're in danger from that, Captain?"

There was a muffled giggle from behind camera one, and Kate Mulgrew looked up with a frown.

"What..." She quickly turned the viewscreen back towards her.

"Tim... you did this, didn't you?" She addressed her "Vulcan" sternly. "You are a dead man, Mr. Russ, you know that, don't you?"

And then she cracked up as she watched the Roadrunner beep his way along an animated desert road, a single tumbleweed in hot pursuit!

The cast howls with laughter as Kate Mulgrew reaches across a row of seats to smack Russ on the arm.

"Meep, meep!" is his response.

"Meep, meep, indeed," Q says, quickly, and gestures toward the screen.

[Out of the Box -- Rocky]

It was on the tip of Tuvok's tongue to order the other man away, to insist that he had nothing to discuss with him. But he couldn't. Though he would never acknowledge it out loud, Neelix knew him, down to his very core, the way few other people did. It was largely due to the time a transporter accident had caused them to be melded into a single entity known as Tuvix. Though they hadn't been aware as individuals during that period, nonetheless they had each gotten a glimpse of the other's soul, so to speak, forged a subliminal bond which had persisted even after they'd been separated.

Tuvok gazed at the Talaxian in his garish clothing, his entire exuberant manner the antithesis of everything Vulcan. Nowhere could one possibly find two people more different than each other, and yet, there was an affinity between them. He remembered once again how, when he lost his memory and his capacity for logic, it was Neelix who stuck by him, Neelix who attempted to help him regain his old life, and when that
proved to be unsuccessful, was quietly supportive of his efforts to create a new one. Beneath the man's annoying exterior, there was a kind and caring individual. Tuvok strove to remember that now and bit back his almost instinctive response.

"Thank you, but I have no need for a friend at the moment," he said.

Neelix smiled gently. "That's fine, but *I* do."

"You are in need of counsel?" Tuvok asked. Perhaps he had mistaken Neelix's motives.

"In a matter of speaking, yes," Neelix answered. "May I sit down?"

"Please." Tuvok indicated a chair and ordered the cabin lights up to normal levels.

"Thank you." Neelix sat down and sighed. "Ah. I spend so much of the day standing, yet my feet only hurt when I sit down." Tuvok watched in horror as the other man slipped off his boots, revealing large spotted toes which he proceeded to wriggle lasciviously. "Ooh, that's better!"

"Ack! Get those things away from me! Put your boots back on this minute!" Tim Russ clapped his hands over his nose. "God!"

The director sighed. "Cut! What the hell's wrong with you people? We're shooting a crucial scene here!"

Russ was adamant. "No way--not unless he keeps those things on. Or I'm outta here."

Johnny Philips grinned. "I suppose a foot massage is out of the question?"

Phillips wiggles his foot suggestively at Russ, as everyone laughs. Russ rolls his eyes.

"Blaming the actors for everything, however," Q says, "would be unfair. And while we in the Continuum don't particularly care about blooper justice, I feel I'd be remiss not to mention that often the problems are caused by the crew. Props, set, lighting, the special effects teams -- they have their difficulties as well, as you'll see..."

[In the Trenches -- Julie]

"What are you two doing?"

Harry jumped at the unexpected voice and looked back. Gallagher was staring at them, her expression curious, while Vorik dropped a load of equipment next to her.

"Tessoni saw some movement in the lava," Harry said.

"Movement?" Gallagher activated her medical scanner. "Something alive? How big was it?"

"The fauna on this moon is limited to bacteria and primitive arthropods," Vorik said. Then he activated his scanner. "How long did you observe the motion, Mister Tessoni?"

"It just popped out of the lava for a moment or two. Then it was gone again. It looked sort of like a...fin."

Vorik's eyebrow rose. "A fin?" He looked at his scanner. "I am detecting nothing except lava and its chemical components."

"I didn't get anything either," Harry said. He saw Tessoni shake his head in frustration. "Though some time has passed--"

"What's going on?"

The rest of the team had arrived and Gallagher shot them an irreverent grin. "We're looking for lava sharks."

"Trish..."

Tessoni spoke over Harry's warning tone. "It was probably nothing." He slapped his phaser back on his belt and gave Gallagher a reproachful look before he walked away.

Harry decided it was time to end this. Whatever Tessoni had seen, it was gone now. "Okay, let's get back to work," he said, getting everyone's attention as Lessing patted Tessoni on the shoulder. "I found a good spot to start the extraction--"

"An object is surfacing at six degrees southeast."

Everyone turned at Vorik's words. Sharr pulled out her phaser, though the disturbance in the lava flow was a dozen meters downstream. Harry was amazed to see something breaking the surface...

Except that nothing broke the surface. The fin-shaped motorized glob of putty that was rigged to pop up in front of them wasn't making an appearance. Garrett could sense the tension of everyone around him as the seconds stretched out. Janice aka Renley Sharr met his gaze and shrugged her shoulders. Alexander Enberg stared at his dataPADD as if he was actually going to get a clue from it.

Suddenly there was a popping sound in the muddy "lava" right next to them. The putty fin shot up--and became briefly airborne. Then it landed, twitching, at Kristie's feet, and she screeched, forgetting her Trish Gallagher persona.

"Shark fin! Shark fin on the beach!" Rick aka Tessoni yelled, waving his hands. "Run for your lives!"

Alex Enberg decided to use his dataPADD for a more useful purpose. He threw it at the recalcitrant fin. He missed, but the fin twitched again.

Garrett put his hands on hips and stalked up to the fin, his steps purposeful, and his hips swaying smartly. Then he stopped, pressed his lips together and speared the fin with a hundred watt death glare. "This is un-AC-cept-able!" he stated in a familiar throaty voice. "You will change your attitude immediately, or I will have you thrown in the brig! Is that understood?"

Not surprisingly, the now inert fin failed to respond. The director finally had the presence to yell "Cut!", though most of the cast were already indisposed, doubled over laughing.

"Props!" the director shouted.

Two men from the props department were already jogging back from the on location trailers several meters away. "What happened?"

"Get this damned fin working so we can finish this scene before midnight!" The director turned to Garrett. "If that's all right with you, Captain Janeway."

Garrett grinned. "You may carry on."

"Yes, the crew is only human, too," Q says, "and things don't always go as planned."

[Passages -- Cybermum]

They worked well together. They always had. It was a shame they didn't do it more often Janeway mused as they examined the hodgepodge of materials and equipment that lay before them. B'Elanna's instincts were always good when it came to anything related to engineering and machinery. And Janeway had learned early to trust those instincts. So why had this distance -- this chasm opened between them? Janeway's recent experiences as a Cardassian hostage had left her more reflective than she had been in the past. This away mission itself had been a test of herself. Her last away mission, if you could call it that, had placed her on a Cardassian ship in the clutches of the enemy, and here she was again, in a similar situation. But here she had some control, and she had a valued and trusted member of her crew with her. At least she trusted B'Elanna. But did B'Elanna trust her?

"Captain. Look at this. They seem to have a communications structure similar to our own. So if we can rig up an adaptive interface link we should be able to download our data into their system." As she spoke, Torres surreptitiously pointed out an access panel on the far side of the room. Janeway nodded. She too had noticed the panel and had wondered where it led. Janeway continued with the ruse.

"You should be able to find something around here to use as a conduit. I'll take a look."

She took two wires and held them together. A small spark crackled between them.

"Be careful, Captain" Torres tried to sound concerned. "That might be dangerous."

"Oh. Yes." Janeway managed to look sheepish.

Torres picked up a small piece of debris. She turned it over and whispered "I saw one of these on the Malon freighter."

Janeway pointed to an energy sequencer. "This has a Qomar signature."

"Pirates. They're pirates." B'Elanna hissed. "I need to find an ionic interface Captain." She continued loudly.

Janeway raised an eyebrow. B'Elanna was being technically creative, to say the least. However, she pretended to look for the imaginary piece of equipment.

"I think that this might be what you are looking for, B'Elanna. There's definitely a communications relay here. I'll see if I can connect ours to this one. If I can get this to work then perhaps we can get the Zornon system up and running and we can get back to Voyager."

"That could be it. But I want to check for interference."

Torres moved to the side of the room, ostensibly still looking for the correct conduit, but in actuality checking out their potential exit. She activated her tricorder, and quickly scanned the panel that she and Janeway had pinpointed earlier. It did seem to lead away from the command center. Her suspicions were confirmed as she approached the panel. One of the guards began to move in closer -- gun cocked.

She didn't hesitate for a moment. "Back off." She growled. If you want us to get this done, stay out of our way."

Janeway looked up but didn't interfere. "B'Elanna, be careful. If we connect the interface to the wrong conduit, it might overload the relay."

"Right." Torres was working on the panel next to their escape route. It opened with a satisfying click. She reached inside and extracted two wires, which she twisted into a tight knot.

"And we mustn't forget that if we download our matrix too quickly," Janeway continued, "It might compromise the integrity of their system."

"Understood. Captain I've almost got it now. Are you ready to activate?"

"Give me one more minute, B'Elanna. If I can connect this integer to the communications relay their systems will be extremely effective. This should work."

"Captain, I don't think we have time. This series of modifications has to be applied in a very fast sequence. Or it will not work." She paused for moment to give Janeway a chance to finish. "Counting down. Now. 3,2,1.."

Silence.

Roxann Dawson didn't miss a beat.

"What happened Kate? Did you get your wires crossed?!"

Pfffffftttt.... the 'explosion', when it finally occurred, a full fifteen seconds after it was scheduled, was definitely an anti-climax. But it didn't stop the two Zornon 'guards', who immediately began to stagger around the set, clutching at their chests and coughing dramatically. They finally fell to the ground, still writhing and groaning.

Both actresses, who had started to giggle almost immediately after Roxann's ad lib, were by this time laughing hysterically. Finally, Roxann bent down and picked up one of the guards' weapons, which had fallen to the floor at the onset of his 'death throes'. She examined it for a moment, and then aimed it at one of the still moaning actors.

"Bang." She said.

She threw the weapon back down onto the ground.

"Well that should do it, don't you think, Cap'n. Let's go have lunch."

"Even the make-up artists can inadvertently get in on the action," Q says, "although you can see that it would be difficult to create a facial prosthetic powerful enough to withstand the rigors of 21st century orthodontia..."

[Ethical Considerations -- Janet]

It took almost an hour before Marla began to stir slightly. Several more minutes passed before her eyes slowly blinked open. "Hey, there, sleepyhead," Brian Sofin said to her as he grabbed her hand. "How long are you going to stay on vacation? Lieutenant Torres has been tapping her feet, waiting for you to come back to work."

Weakly but visibly to all the watchers, Marla squeezed his hand back. Her voice was only a whisper when she answered, "Tell her I'll be back in a minute."

Naomi wanted to cheer, but in deference to the fact that Darren Pierce was also stirring in his biobed, the reaction of everyone was subdued. The happiness, however, was genuine.

When she heard first the EMH, and then Commander Chakotay and Captain Janeway congratulate Icheb upon a job well done, Naomi felt so happy for him. He deserved the captain's praise. Naomi wanted to go to him herself, but in the jostling of those around the biobeds coming to greet to Marla and Darren, she lost sight of him. When she moved in the clear, she realized Icheb was no longer standing where he had been. The hissing glide of the doors of Sickbay caught her attention just in time for her to turn and see him stride out of Sickbay.

Naomi managed to get to the doors just before they closed completely, quickly enough to catch a glimpse of Icheb's back as he slipped into the medical lab. "Icheb! Wait for me!"

He turned to look at her over his shoulder. She wasn't sure how to interpret the expression on his face. When she caught up with him, she found she didn't know quite what to say. Finally, she whispered, "I'm so proud of you, Icheb," and gave him a soft, chaste peck on the cheek.

"Whoops!" Manu called out, grabbing at his cheek in a futile attempt to keep his Borg appliance from being ripped away from his face--for the third take in a row.

"Cut!" the director shouted, sighing resignedly, as the cameraman and lighting crew began to guffaw.

"I'm sorry!" Scarlett said, her face glowing the same shade of red as her name. "I didn't mean it! It got stuck in my braces again!"

"We know, Scarlett. But we're on a very tight schedule with this two-part episode. Next time, don't kiss Manu *on* his appliance. To the left or right, please!" The director turned to his assistant. "Call Michael Westmore and see if he can do anything about keeping that thing on Manu's cheek!"

He leaned closer to the assistant and added in a whisper, "And then tell casting to call the babe from 'Shattered.' We've got to get her to play Naomi from now on..."

"Hey!" Scarlett says, outraged.

"Oh, I'm sure he was only kidding," Mulgrew says, soothingly. "You're the only Naomi for us!"

"Humph," Scarlett says, pretending to sulk. Then she notices Dawson standing with her hands firmly planted on her hips, looking grumpy, and she decides not to protest further.

"Sometimes even the food refuses to cooperate," Q says, "as you'll see in the following scene..."

[Lotus Days -- Penny Proctor]

She went into the kitchen and was immediately aware that Chakotay had followed her. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing." Reaching into the bin, she removed a loaf of bread. "Cheese and tomato all right?"

"Why are you doing this?"

She frowned at him. "Because I want to. Aren't you the one who encourages me to cook?"

"Yes, because cooking helps you take your mind off things that are bothering you."

"That," she said in a tight voice, "is ridiculous. I cook because sometimes I like to." Then she brought the knife down on the tomato with so much force that, instead of exploding from the force of her blow, the tomato rolled off the cutting board onto the counter, then slowed to a stop, without so much as a bruise or dent.

Kate Mulgrew laughed, and relaxed. "The tomato didn't read the script."

"Cut," the director shouted. "Hold your places, everyone. Put the tomato on its mark and take it from 'why are you doing this'."

Kate nodded, and put the tomato back on the cutting board. She squeezed it a little, noting its firmness. "I don't think this is going to work. We need one that's overripe."

"A stand-in for the tomato?" Robert Beltran murmured.

"Never work with dogs, children or fresh fruit," she replied with a grin.

"Just give it another try, okay? Roll tape," the Director called.

Robert picked up the cue. "Why are you doing this?" She frowned at him. "Because I want to. Aren't you the one who encourages me to cook?"

"Yes, because cooking helps you take your mind off things that are bothering you."

"That," she said in a tight voice, "is ridiculous. I cook because sometimes I like to." Then she brought the knife down on the tomato with so much force that...

... the tomato again rolled off the cutting board and then off the counter altogether. It landed on the floor with two small bounces and rolled until it hit Robert's foot.

Kate and Robert dissolved into laughter.

"Cut. Let's try it again. It's just a tomato, Kate. Put a little muscle behind it."

"Right." She turned and caught Robert's eye as he handed her the red rebel. From the little nod he gave, he understood her silent intent.

With the recalcitrant fruit back on its mark, the Director called, "Roll tape."

Katie picked up this time. "That," she said in a tight voice, "is ridiculous. I cook because sometimes I like to." But instead of raising the knife, she set it down and picked up the tomato, whirled and hurled it to Robert.

He caught it with his left hand, shifted it to the right, and tossed it back to her. She caught it neatly, then turned and faced the Director, tossing it straight up as she looked at him with an expression that left no doubt the next target for the flying fruit was his chest.

"Cut," the Director said with a sigh. "Props, we need a new tomato. One that will squish. Easily. Juicily. Here's an idea - maybe it should be a little overripe."

As the audience laughs, Q continues. "In the Continuum, of course, we don't have to eat -- a disgusting practice, if you ask me. But sometimes the actors do have to eat the food in front of them, and sometimes, I'm told, it just tastes BAD."

[Ragnarok -- Rocky]

"This place," declared Tom Paris dramatically, "is turning into Borg Central!"

Harry Kim didn't even look up from his lunch tray, where he was concentrating on cutting the chunks of basar adom into smaller and smaller pieces. "I suppose you're referring to Axum's ship hailing us this morning?"

"That's right," answered Paris. He took a bite out of his replicated grilled cheese sandwich. "You going to eat that?" he asked, jabbing a finger at Kim's plate.

"Eventually," Kim said. "Why?"

"Because it looks as though you're under the impression that if you slice it into enough pieces, it will disappear completely."

A faint grin appeared on Kim's face, which rapidly changed to a grimace when he looked back down at his plate. "I'd forgotten how much I disliked this particular entree, that's all."

"Then why'd you get it?"

"Out of replicator rations," was the succinct reply. Kim speared some of the pieces on his fork and manfully chewed and swallowed. "Ack! This is awful!" He started coughing and spitting.

Robbie McNeill leaned over and whispered, "OK, we got the point. No sense in overdoing the acting job."

Garrett Wang hastily gulped some water. "Who's acting?"

"And sometimes," Q adds, "you won't believe what the actors have to do in the name of realism..."

[Chaos -- Christina]

"Action, the director called out, the camera panned from B'Elanna to Neelix.

"Fire wood?" B'Elanna asked as she struggled to untangle a mass of wiring.

"No! Dinner." He put the log down and pulled a five-centimeter yellow-brown grub-like creature from under the bark. "The tricorder says it's edible." He looked around. "It's loaded with proteins and carbohydrates..." His voice faded away at the looks the others were giving him.

Janeway realized she had to set the example. It couldn't be worse than those grubs she'd eaten during survival training. "Neelix, I'll try one." She closed her eyes as he handed it to her.

"Just bite into it. It's actually very good."

Neelix's ideas of 'very good' left her leery but she tried to do it without showing the revulsion of the thought.

Kate Mulgrew reached out and grabbed the live grub. "I thought we were going to use Gummi Worms?"

"They weren't realistic enough," the director called out. "Cut. Everyone take five."

"They were real enough for me," Mulgrew muttered.

"Action, the director called out, as the camera once again panned from B'Elanna to Neelix.

"Fire wood?" B'Elanna asked as she struggled to untangle a mass of wiring.

"No! Dinner." He put the log down and pulled a five-centimeter yellow-brown grub-like creature from under the bark. "The tricorder says it's edible." He looked around. "It's loaded with proteins and carbohydrates..." His voice faded away at the looks the others were giving him.

Janeway realized she had to set the example. It couldn't be worse than those grubs she'd eaten during survival training. "Neelix, I'll try one." She closed her eyes as he handed it to her.

"Just bite into it. It's actually very good."

Neelix's ideas of 'very good' left her leery but she tried to do it without showing the revulsion of the thought. She closed her eyes tighter...

It sprayed a pink syrupy concoction all over her. She reached up and wiped her face, the grub fell to the ground and began crawling away. The others burst out laughing.

"CUT!"

"Ew, ew, ew!" Scarlett Pomer shrieks, despite herself. "I wasn't in that scene. You didn't actually eat it, did you?"

"No," Kate Mulgrew says, shuddering with the memory. "Sometimes, you just have to draw a line -- right here, right now. And the Gummi worms worked just fine, thank you very much!"

"Hey, you two!" Dawson calls out. "Don't make me come over there!"

"Sorry, Roxann," Pomer says, sheepishly. "My fault."

"As you can see," Q says, commanding the hall's attention once again, "the actor's job is a difficult one. Even the props and food conspire against them. Sometimes, they just need to break the tension, and bond together with the camaraderie that only 16-hour workdays can provide. Why, at times, I'm told, they just burst into song and dance, for no apparent reason..."

[Mok'tah -- Penny Proctor]

The scene was going well. The Sickbay set was absolutely silent but for the dialogue between "B'Elanna" and "the Doctor," both of whom were intent on their characters. The Doctor was speaking. "There are several areas of Tom's brain that were deprived of blood, and therefore oxygen, while he was on that shuttle. I've repaired the vascular damage and begun the tissue regeneration process, but there's no way to predict whether regeneration will be successful. It depends on the individual."

"What does that mean?" She felt the cold hand of fear on her heart. "If the regeneration doesn't work, what does it mean?"

"The damage was almost entirely in the cerebellum, although there is some in the occipital lobe. If it doesn't heal properly, Tom may have difficulty with movement and balance, or with his vision." His eyes were almost sorrowful.

She caught her breath, unable to inhale for several seconds. "He couldn't fly any more. He couldn't be a pilot."

"Don't assume the worst," he said quickly. "He may regenerate completely. He's young, he's strong and --" he smiled slightly -- "he's highly motivated to get better. That goes a long way in convincing the body to repair itself. And we can still try Icheb's healing nanoprobes. They helped Ensign Gilmore, they may help Tom, too."

"I forgot about those. Why aren't you using them now?" Her voice began to rise again. "Why are you wasting time?"

"The nanoprobes are a treatment of last resort," he said. Then he stopped. And blinked.
Roxann Dawson tensed. He seemed to have gone up on his lines, but there was still a chance the scene could be salvaged. It had been added at the last possible moment but Bob Picardo was usually a quick study and could be relied upon to memorize quickly.
She was just about to break character when he drew a breath, preparing to speak.

"Well, the nanoprobes connected to the brain lobe, and the brain lobe's connected to the skull bone," the Doctor said in perfect deadpan.

Roxann stared at him, wondering if there had been a late script change she missed. Then he began to sing at full voice. "And the skull bone's connected to the jawbone, now hear the word of the Lord."

Bob began to dance around the set, still singing. "The jawbone's connected to the neck bone, the neck bone's connected to the backbone, the backbone's connected to the hipbone-"

Robbie McNeill opened his eyes, jumped off the bed and joined in, "Now hear the word of the Lord!" He stood behind Bob and put both hands on his shoulders as they began a two-man conga line around the set.

Laughing, Roxann hooked on behind Robbie, pregnancy pillow and all, and joined in the song. "The hipbone's connected to the thigh bone, and the thigh bone's connected to the shin bone."

The actress playing Lynella shoved aside the life support arch and she and the actor playing Ramon joined the line. Bob wove them around the Sickbay set as they joyfully finished, "The shin bone's connected to the ankle bone, now hear the word of the Lord!"
Then Bob looked back over his shoulder and shouted, "Bunny hop!"

As one, the group began to sing, "Do the bunny hop, hop, hop, hop" as Bob led them off the set and toward the trailers.

"Cut," the director finally remembered to say.

"Mr. McNeill seems especially fond of releasing tension through entertainment," Q says. "If it's not 'Riverdance,' it's some kind of show tune. Even at the most inappropriate of times..."

[In the Trenches -- monkee]

"Look!" Carey said, suddenly. "Footprints!"

Sure enough, there were footprints in the dust, everywhere. With nothing to disturb them, they had been perfectly preserved. Their feet had been a bit smaller than the average human's, but they had definitely been bipedal.

Out of the corner of his eye, Paris saw some other markings near the cart. He knelt down for a closer look. Someone had used the trowel to scratch deliberate lines into the soil. A name, perhaps? Paris smiled, remembering that the last Apollo astronaut to stand on Earth's moon, Gene Cernan, had scratched his daughter's initials into the dust at Taurus-Littrow. When an international team returned to the site a century later, they were still there.

Carey wandered over to the other side of the lander. A pentagonal cylinder, about a half-meter high, had been anchored into the soil. He bent down to scan it. It appeared to be some sort of sealed container. There were markings etched into the metallic surface.

"Tom," he called over the head set, "Come and take a look at this."

Paris loped over, and together they scrutinized the cylinder. Paris rubbed a gloved finger over the markings on the top of the container - a rudimentary sketch of this solar system. He peered at the surface, closely, thoughtfully rubbing his helmet right where his chin should be.

"Hey," Robbie McNeill said, finally, a little too loudly, and too deliberately. "This thing's hollow -- it goes on forever -- My GOD, it's full of STARS!"

He began humming the tune of '2001: A Space Odyssey,' loudly, and with gusto. Josh Clark cracked up completely, fogged the visor of his helmet, and finally gave up and joined in, doing the timpani accompaniment.

"Cut!" the director said, with a long-suffering sigh.

Before the laughter has even died down, the song starts up again. Soon just about everyone is singing it, or doing the timpani accompaniment, because -- let's face it -- it's hard not to. Dawson and de Lancie let out long-suffering sighs of their own, but wisely opt just to wait it out.

Eventually, everyone settles back down. Dawson nods at de Lancie, and he resumes his role.

"It's rare, indeed," he says, as Q, "but occasionally these mishaps really aren't anyone's fault at all. Sometimes they are acts of nature, or divine providence." He leans conspiratorially toward the camera and whispers, "Or maybe it's the Continuum, just having a little bit of fun. Immortality does tend to get a little dull, you know..."

[Countdown -- Christina]

Harry made a cursory glance at the incoming sensor data. They would be passing another nebula and another Class M planet. There seemed to be some skimpy data that the region had several inhabited systems, but Voyager would pass through without ever being detected. Command in transwarp was a lot like supervising sleep; not much to worry about.

He heard Tom laughing behind him and considered giving up the chair to find out what the joke was.

Garrett Wang stood. This was the hard part, knowing that in a second the floor would shake. He avoided tensing as he waited...and waited...and waited.

"Cut," the director yelled. "What happened?" This was asked of the technicians responsible for the shaking.

The senior technician stood slowly. "It jammed, ma'am. It should work now."

"Excellent. Places everyone!" The staff and actors jumped backed to their spots.

"Roll!"

Harry made a cursory glance at the incoming sensor data. They would be passing another nebula and another Class M planet. There seemed to be some skimpy data that the region had several inhabited systems, but Voyager would pass through without ever being detected. Command in transwarp was a lot like supervising sleep; not much to worry about.

He heard Tom laughing behind him and considered giving up the chair to find out what the joke was.

The floor shook, throwing Garrett and everyone else to the floor. He raised his head slowly. Even the camera was shaking.

The director raised herself off the ground. "Damn, you fixed it too well, just next time the cue..."

"Wasn't us," the technician said, cutting the director off. "Earthquake."

"Ahhh..." the director said as she stood. "One of those foot massages."

Garrett rolled his eyes. He prepared to start the scene again. It would be a long day.

Q continues laughing even after the audience has stopped. "Ah, yes," he says, happily. "I think I DO remember that one. Might have been me, might have been Junior -- he's a mischievous little fellow, after all." He shrugs. "I have to admit, though, I don't know who was responsible for this next one."

[Olympian Efforts -- Penny Proctor]

With a shrug, Chakotay adjusted the placement of his light backpack and started down the path again, nearly tripping over large tree root that grew across it. The narrow path forced them to walk single file, and he looked back to Wildman. "Be careful," he said.

He had gone only a few more steps when he heard a shuffle behind him and then an odd buzzing sound. Even as he was turning to check the source of the noise, he heard Ayala yell, "Ow! Run!"

Chakotay needed only a heartbeat to understand what had happened; Ayala had tripped over the root and apparently disturbed a nest of flying insects, large enough to be some kind of bee or flying ant. A thick buzzing cloud was gathering above the root and the
sound left no doubt that whatever they were, they were angry. And they wanted blood.

Without hesitation, he turned and ran.

And ran.

"Cut!" the Director yelled. "Reset for close-ups."

Robert Beltran stopped immediately and bent over to catch his breath. He didn't have to run like that often, and he was definitely winded. Just behind him, Nancy Hower was also panting, although not quite as heavily. But Tarik Ergin was seemingly so into his characterization of Ayala - after all, he had never been featured to this extent before - he kept running.

"Ow!" Tarik yelled. "What the- ow!"

Robert watched him approach, puzzled. A dark cloud seemed to be following him, and further back, the boom operator yelped, and then he, the director and the cameraman began a dash for the trailers. Then he realized that the air was filled with a humming noise and that the look on Tarik's face approached panic.

That's odd, Robert thought, the bees are supposed to be CGI. Then it dawned on him - they were real bees, and they were really, really pissed. He yanked Nancy's hand and shouted, "Run!"

The creek was only about fifty yards away, but he felt two sharp stings on his neck and one big bite on his left year before he threw himself into the blessed sanctuary of the water. It was only about four feet deep, and he had to crouch to keep his head below
water level.

His lungs began to ache, then burn and finally he couldn't hold his breath any longer and he exploded out of the water. The bees were gone, and the air was heavy with the smell of insect repellant. The writer stood on the bank of the creek, brandishing a large can of Raid and grinning at him.

"Damn," he said, slogging through the water toward the shore. "I hate location shoots."

"What a wuss," Wang says to McNeill, sotto voice.

"Really," McNeill agrees. "A few little bees."

"They were big, mean-ass bees," Beltran protests, "and I am NOT a wuss!"

"Are so!" Wang and McNeill chorus.

"Am not!" Beltran says.

"Boys!" Mulgrew interrupts.

"Everyone BE QUIET!" Dawson yells. "You people are impossible! A blooper reel! It was supposed to be a quick, easy job, and here I can't even get the audience to shut the hell up! I can't even DESCRIBE the way my head aches right now. Words fail me!"

"Roxann..." de Lancie calls from his perch on the stage.

She whirls on him. "What do YOU want?" she demands.

"Ooooh. GROWL for me, Roxann," he says. "Show me you still care."

She can't help but laugh, and shake her head in mock despair.

"Roxann," de Lancie continues. "I see here on my list that the next blooper is entitled 'Director's Revenge,' and I thought you might like to do the honors this time."

"I would love to," she says, and stomps up to the stage. She's not really all that mad anymore, though. Everyone can tell.

Once on stage, she orders de Lancie's chair to be lowered. "I don't want it to fall on me," she explains. "We've been having some trouble with it."

"NOW she tells me," de Lancie says, outraged.

Ignoring him, she turns to the camera. "Mishaps and miscues are a part of the job. We all know that. But every blooper you've seen here tonight, while no doubt lessening the tension on the set, has caused the episode's director some grief. It's the director's job, after all, to keep things running smoothly -- on time and within budget. Sometimes, however, even the director needs to cut loose a little..."

[Legacies -- Julie]

"Do you think it's a coincidence that the leola root mysteriously stopped growing
when Icheb came on board?" Harry asked.

That drew a chuckle from Tom. "If it isn't, we all owe him a week's worth of replicator rations and our eternal gratitude."

Harry laughed along with Tom. "I'm glad we can still grow pleeka in hydroponics. I've developed quite a taste for it--and so has Icheb, I've noticed."

"Pleeka Rind Casserole. After having it for a week at a time when I was out of rations, I'm sorry I can't enjoy it the way the two of you do." Tom emptied the
half-filled glass in front of him. "Are you done for the night, Harry, or is this your lunch break?"

"It's lunch. I'm on for the full shift tonight."

Tom sighed. "Too bad. I was thinking about borrowing your couch tonight."

"You know what Mulcahy said after he used it when his cabin was being repaired."

"That he'd rather sleep on the floor than on the lumpiest couch in the Delta Quadrant? Yeah, I heard. So how about sharing your bed?"

For a second Garrett Wang was confused into complete silence, his brow furrowing. That wasn't the right line, and what was Robbie talking about--

Then Garrett saw the twinkle in Robbie's eyes, and the twitch of his lips. He leaned
across the table, grabbing Robbie's hands. "Tom, do you know how long I've waited for this moment? Finally you've seen the light! What could B'Elanna ever give you that I can't?"

"B'Elanna who?" Robbie asked, leaning closer to Garrett. "It's always been you, Harry. Just you--"

"Cut!"

Garrett and Robbie collapsed in their chairs, laughing.

The director's eyes narrowed. "Okay, change of scene folks!" she shouted to the crew. "Let's get the cameras ready to move."

Garrett and Robbie's laughter faded, and they looked at each other. Move the cameras in the middle of a scene? It was unheard of--

"Set coordinators," the director spoke into her headset microphone. "Prepare the Harry Kim bedroom set. And make sure the matching bathrobes are there."

Garrett's eyes widened and Robbie's mouth fell open. The director arched an eyebrow at them. It took them another second to realize they were being had and to react. They burst into laughter again.

"Gotcha," the director murmured with satisfaction, too low to be heard. Why should the actors have all the fun?

"Gotcha, indeed!" Roxann says, smugly, and the audience applauds as she returns to her position behind the camera with a self-satisfied grin.

"So, there you have it," Q says. "Humans can't seem to get a single thing right, even when doing something as mundane as making a television show. The actors mess up, the props don't work, and even the food refuses to cooperate. Yet it doesn't even bother them -- in fact, they seem to wallow in their imperfection. Their mistakes make them laugh, which is fortuitous, since they make so very many of them. It doesn't make any sense, but it certainly makes them fun to be around. That is, in the end, why I keep hanging around, because otherwise I'd certainly have better things to do."

He gestures with a quick hand movement, and the chair begins to move up and back into the darkness.

"We stand on the cusp of Virtual Voyager Season 7.5's third season," he says, in closing. "Multitudinous mistakes await: uncooperative lava sharks, perhaps, or Scarlett Pomer's retainer. Only time will tell. So stay tuned, enjoy the show, and may whatever God you believe in have mercy on your souls."

Just before it disappears into the shadows, the chair bobbles dramatically in mid-air, and as de Lancie exits, he lets out a decidedly un-Q-like squeak of terror. The chair doesn't fall, but the audience is still laughing as the house lights come up.

The End.

And what better source than that paragon of journalism, The Risian Ribald.

Join us, as Voyager's Virtual Season 7.5 goes purple!